smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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