in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
