If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
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