...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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