I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
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