Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
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