woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
I woke up under a house in Key West
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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