Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
