the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
i barfeds in our rink
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
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