Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
You are a genius and a whore.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
