And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
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