Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
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