Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Nobody cheats on THIS.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
