And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
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