Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
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