I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Randomize
