I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
