I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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