I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
Randomize
