i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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