i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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