We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Let's paint friendship bongs
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
