I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
