If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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