Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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