I am doing a scientific study and i need a brief description of the underpants you are wearing
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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