I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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