Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Randomize
