can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
