First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
