My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Randomize
