Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Randomize
