i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
