There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Randomize
