Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
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I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
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I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
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