You can't motorboat a personality
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
I have tasted many bathrooms
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Shame - the story of my life.
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