Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
Randomize
