Four minutes until I can fart!
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
