we have pet lesbian snakes
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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