Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
Randomize
