he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
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