I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
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