I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
You're earring is so big in my mouth
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
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