You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Randomize
