why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
