watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
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