Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
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