I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Randomize
