I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
