Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
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we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
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You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
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