You made me cry and you don't even care
I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
I too understand the importance of cheesy bread
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
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