So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Randomize
