Who wears a wallet chain?!
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
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After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
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Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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