Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
i saw like six of her guido cousins in the jersey shore trailer alone. her family is having a dinner party for the premiere tonight.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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