My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
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