Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
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