I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
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