3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
Randomize
