The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
