hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
he's single and there are thong briefs.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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