did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
Last time I had a one night stand he ended up stalking me for two months.
So you're not picking up this weekend?
This weekend, I am Angela, visiting from Calgary. We'll have to roleplay this.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
