Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
my liver is dry heaving
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
